Here we have the third and final stop on the Pork Musical train. Please prev button it if you haven't read the first two installments. It's really worth it. This is an excerpt from an IM conversation my brother and I had about writing a musical based on pork and pork-related products:

Kristin - naturally.

Eric - from whence the "ham" came

Kristin - it all comes full circle, my friend

Eric - it does

Eric - it's like growing up

Kristin - cathartic

Kristin - you've heard of the circle of life. well, this is the circle of pork.

Eric - i wonder if we could get two hogs to go at it on stage

Eric - OH NO

Kristin - what we REALLY need are piglets.

Kristin - uh oh

Eric - another song girl

Eric - ready?

Kristin - yep

Eric - "we're only as strong as our weakest link"

Eric - you tell me

Kristin - crying

Kristin - weeping saltpork tears

Kristin - TRIPE!

Eric - good god

Eric - oh girl

Eric - along with mooshu pork

Eric - "sweet and sour pork"..it could be a duet

Kristin - yikes, tripes! IN-TESTINAL-TRACT (yikes, stripes, fruit stripe gum) ~

Kristin - lord, lord. PORK FRIED RICE!

Kristin - i say it's a trio

Eric - it could be...that'li be when we do our "around the world" pork spectacular

Eric - asia...germany..france...italy

Kristin - i know i don't have to mention saurbraten.

Kristin - oh no

Eric - derwienersnitsle

Eric - ?

Kristin - we could have these mothers go on a globe-trotting (hoove-ing) pork adventure.

Kristin - VIENNA FUCKING SAUSAGES

Eric - cocktail weiners

Kristin - BEANS AND WEENIES

Eric - franks and beans

Eric - it's all there

Kristin - B L T

Eric - three letters that spell disaster for the rest of the musical theater community

Kristin - don't they, though?

Kristin - they're gonna be all "yeah, yeah, andrew lloyd fucking webber. what has he done for us lately? certainly not bring us a musical about pork!"

Eric - certainly not

Kristin - that's what i'm saying.

Eric - evtia shmita...give us pork!

Kristin - we could have some midgets up in this bitch. they'll be called PIG-mees

Kristin - the main character can be called PIG-maleon e

Eric - i swear

Eric - it's almost too easy girl

Eric - why no one has come up with this is beyond me

Eric - i just don't think they have our artisic vision ~

Eric - cause this is more than a vision

Kristin - and, as you well know, it's all about the vision.

Kristin - you're preaching to the choir, my friend.

Kristin - what do you think the reaction will be in the jewish and muslim communities?

Kristin - outrage?

Kristin - dispair?

Kristin - a change in their dietary code?

Eric - you know, the thought had crossed my mind

Eric - maybe it would bring people to love pork so much that even those in the jewish/muslim communties would start to eat it

Eric - and teach the world that pork is not only the other white meaL.but our friend as well

Kristin - if there was ever a solution to the crisis in the middle east, THIS IS IT! put down your car bombs and pick up a pork chop! make ham, not war!

Eric - thank you

Eric - fry bacon...not people

Kristin - thank YOU!

Kristin - we don't need to oust hussein. we need to get that man some pork butt.

Eric - link hands...just like our friend the sausage

Kristin - hamma-lamma-ding-dong/sausage lookin' like a schlong

Eric - brilliant

Eric - ohh a review might read "you'll eat it up"

Kristin - this opens up a whole other can of pork n' beans, though. if we get into the sexual connotations of this (i.e. "i porked her"), name-calling ("she's such a porker), or the phallic-ness of the sausage. well, we're talking about some serious stuff here.

Kristin - "HOG WILD in the tenderloin" - you never sausage a musical- The New York Times

Eric - good god girl

Eric - crying

Kristin - me, too.

Eric - This musical is a wiener

Eric - i mean, come on!

Kristin - OH MY GOD.

Kristin - i'm sure everyone here thinks i'm crazy. i was laughing so loud just now.

Eric - yeah...crazy about PORK!

Kristin - damn straight.

Eric - we are my favorite everday

Kristin - we're EVERYONE'S favorite everyday.

Eric - thank god for instant messenger...tell me right now how much you love this mother

Kristin - i know?

Eric - i know...it's tough to be the favorite all the time

Kristin - what about i haven't done anything but write back and forth to you about pork and pork related issues ALL DAY.

Eric - i know and you know what

Eric - it's time well spent

Eric - we only have one more hour to go

Kristin - it's TRUE!

Kristin - let me tell you something

Eric - what's that

Kristin - when i left last night, i KNEW this little "bacon" funny thing we were doing was no laughing matter. .

Kristin - probably like when those mothers at apple were developing a little thing called a computer so they could predIct the weather.

Eric - hello

Kristin - why aren't we getting paid? oh, wait. we are.

Eric - this is going to shine like glazed ham girl

Kristin - I guess the real questIon here Is...why aren't we getting paid MORE! I

Eric - i know, thank you

Kristin - can i just remind you of something here.

Eric - please do

Kristin - you KNOW that on supermarket sweep they AL WAYS go for the gold foil-wrapped hams.

Eric - true enough

Kristin - well, my friend, we have struck gold here.

Kristin - and, there's no limit of five.

Eric - no there's not

Kristin - SCRAPPLE!

Kristin - OR, SWEET JESUS.

Kristin - SP AM!

Eric - CRYING

Kristin - oh lord have mercy. this is a honey-baked idea, my friend. there's no half-baked about it.

Eric - we are going to be laughing all the way to the piggy bank girl

Kristin - yes, yes, we are.

Eric - t-minus 45min

Eric - good lord

Eric - alright, i'm smoking one more time

Eric - brb

Kristin - okay. me, too.

Eric - hopefully you'll see this now

Eric - another article and/or review

Eric - "It's a Hooves done it of monumental proportions"

Kristin - HOLY FUCKING SHIT! S

Kristin - get this alright.

Kristin - if "rumpshaker" isn't somewhere up in this mother. "bump that rump", too for that matter. Kristin - another song...

Kristin - "hog-tied on a feelin' / i'm high on the ho-og / and i'm spi-ral-sliiiiiced" (hooked on a feelin')

Eric - gotcha

Eric - it's like stream of conscious thinking girl, it really is

Eric - "if i had a hammm i'd eat it in the morning, i'd eat it in the evening...all over this laaand"

Eric - that could be the jewish/muslim acceptance song

Kristin - half an hour left...

Eric - yup

Eric - thank godJ just did my timeshit

Kristin - it'll take less time than that for these mothers to come together in the name of all things pig Kristin - "jimmy dean" (to the tune of "billiejean")

Eric - jimmy dean, is not my sausage...he's just a hog that says that I am the one

Kristin - oh, thank you.

Kristin - you know, though, seriously, i think that "ears, ears, chew those lobes" has GOT to be in my top 3 pig pickin'

Kristin - christopher guest would be SO unbelEEEvably proud of us.

Eric - i know...corky is my muse

Kristin - i think that a natural link from your stirring perfonnance of the meat grinder, we should launch into the ground pork number. meatloaf will perfonn that little ditty.

Eric - thank you

Eric - and we could have a random sound bite of anna nicole saying "pig snot?"

Kristin - YES!

Kristin - i think we should do something like

Kristin - "pig snot? oink! oink! / pig snot? oink! oink!" rapid-fire style.

Eric - snouts?.snouts? what about the snouts?

Eric - that could all be a part of the "do you smell that?" medley

Kristin - if we back-lit some jars of pickled pigs feeL. well, i don't think any professional lighting designer could touch

me.

Eric - no...they really couldn't

Kristin - the "do you smell that?" medley. right now. hangin' in the pig pen.

Eric - or another variation "i'm hooked on a fecal feelling"

Kristin - it's true.

Eric - i know i said 3:30...but i can't wait tha tlong

Eric - this mother is getting outta here NOW

Eric - i gotta run to the bank..pack a bag, etc. i'll swing by your place around 4:45ish

Kristin - okey dokey. i might just have to do the same. you know i don't have time for this. i would like to tell you that i'm saving this entire IM.

Eric - excellent

Kristin - i'll see you when you get to mi casa.

Eric - let the hijinks ensue m'neighb

Kristin - as always.

Eric - see you soon...buhbye girl

1 Comments So Far

< - >

THAT BITCH - 2005-07-15
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